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by Judith Auslander, MA, CLC
Wise Heart Coaching
Back in the January/February AARP Magazine, I read an article titled Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda. The article was about midlife crisis and coming to terms with the roads we have or haven’t taken in life. The article started with the focus on “What If?” No matter which of the numberless multitude of options available to each of us, whichever one we end up taking, there will always be, What If? And along with What If?, there is Regret. Regret can be painful, but it is mostly the raw feeling of missed future possibilities that we find the most agonizing. Regret can also be seen as the motivator for change. Without regret we might never move or change jobs or end a bad marriage. My father would often laminate his regrets over not going into business for himself. But the thing is, he did consider it many, many times and each time realized that the decision could very well have a negative financial impact on his family and their welfare. His decision was to take the “safer” road.
Like my Dad, we make decisions based on looking at as many options as possible, weighing the pros and the cons along with imagined events. No matter which path we choose, there will more than likely be some kind of regret. Did we miss a financial opportunity when it was available? Did we miss a chance at love, family, home? While normal regret teaches us where we might do better next time, high regret can be devastating and crippling and can lead to numerous maladies. Dwelling on the past mistakes and missed opportunities can consume our enjoyment of living in the present.
The other question we need to ask ourselves is am I making choices based on fear. Fear can be a tremendous limiter. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of change – the list is endless. My father’s fear of financial failure was what stopped him from moving from being an employee to an employer.
Henry David Thoreau counseled “To regret deeply is to live afresh.” To me this means that with each regret I grow, change, and learn new skills of coping. I have a choice to become a victim or take back my power. The first step in taking back my power is to accept that the decision was mine and mine alone. I choose to “live afresh.” Then move on. Once the decision has been made – move on. To agonize over it is to limit growth possibilities because we remain in the past.
We also live in a time of too many choices. Look down the cereal aisle at your local grocery store. Since I was a child back in the 50’s cereal choices have exploded. When I returned from spending 5 years in El Salvador I was lost in the toothpaste aisle. Too many choices can be a blessing and a curse. When you have a choice between A, B or C – it is much easier to narrow down which one will work best for you. But when your choices are A – Z, it creates making a decision – a clear decision you can be happy with – much more difficult.
It is mostly between the ages of 40 and 65 they we go through a period of reflection and reevaluation. When we were younger a missed opportunity was not the end of everything – there was still time to climb a mountain, go to school, fly a plane, be a brain surgeon. But by your 50’s, you come to realize that there are things that you will never be able to do – it is just too late. This loss of opportunity, of time, can be devastating. Or it can be a time of letting go. If we hang onto the regrets of missed times – we miss the times that are sitting there right in front of us to be enjoyed and lived.
What did the article point out as the “hit parade” of regrets? In order they were:
- Education – not attending college or grad school
- Career – lack of success in their chosen field or wish they had picked a completely different career
- Romance – long lost loves, unrequited affections, ill-advised affairs, marriage gone bad, or never finding that special someone
- Family – doubts about parenting, not having children, family friction and estrangement
- The Self – disappointment in abilities, attitudes and behaviors
So, what can I do to help achieve what I want out of life? My immediate response is goal setting. A goal is the first step toward eliminating the possibility of a lost future. Next it is important to know who I am and what I really want from life. It is important to make sure that the goals you chose are yours – not someone else’s. In the end the only one you will have to look in the eye and answer to will be yourself – so make sure the goals you choose are in alignment with your values. Authenticity is of key importance when setting goals.
The next important question to ask when creating your goal or goals is, “Will it bring me joy?” Life is too short to not live it with joy. A goal is best when it brings a feeling of accomplishment as well as inner peace.
There are many tools to creating, writing and fulfilling your goals. Be sure you know the steps so that you experience success.
Judith Auslander is the author of, “The Power of Goal Setting-Transforming Thoughts Into Action!” available as an ebook from www.WiseHeartCoaching.com
A goal can be the key that starts the engine of your future.
Judith Auslander
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