Venting vs. Complaining

We all complain – and it is often destructive rather than constructive. So, how can we take yelling and screaming and talking negatively about people or a situation – which is often called “venting” – to something positive and affirming?

The best way I have discovered is through Rhonda Britten. Last month I mentioned her book, Fearless Living, as part of “Being Fearless.” This article stimulated a lot of conversation (if you would like a copy of that newsletter just email me) about living Fearlessly during times that feel filled with fear.

This time I would like to write about how to vent in a constructive manner.

According to Rhonda, complaining solves nothing, however venting can be valuable. So, how do you make venting valuable? You set rules!

Rhonda Britten’s Rules for Venting:
1. Pick a venting partner (ventee) who is supportive and trustworthy. Talk to him/her in advance and explain the rules so that the ventee will be aware of what to do when you call to vent.
2. When you call to vent, ask your ventee if now is a good time. If he/she say no, it is important to respect that and ask when would be a better time to call. However, if you are desperate to talk, it is important to convey that to your ventee.
3. Set a limit for venting – AND STICK TO IT! Once the time is up – it is up. During the venting time remain focused on what you are feeling or what the challenge is. It can be a time of just asking your partner to listen as you sort out your day and what happened. It is important to be honest with your partner as to what you want. Let your partner know if you just want him/her to listen or if you want the ventee to offer a solution.

“Venting is not about a quick fix or rescuing you or finding someone to agree or disagree with you.”

4. Don’t keep anything secret – let it all out – be honest. You may feel vulnerable, but that is OK.
5. Breathe!
6. Ask for the support you need.
7. Thank your ventee for her/his time and support.
8. Be conscious of the set time limit. When the time is up, you are done. Change the subject or hang up. This is a signal to your subconscious that you have processed your feelings and are ready to move on.

This entire process is empowering and will leave you feeling renewed rather than disempowered as complaining often will leave the complainer.

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